3.7.16: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

The first two days of the 28 Day Jumpstart program by FitGirlsGuide that I am doing, I had INCREDIBLE workouts and eating along the meal plan’s guidelines was going surprisingly well. Yesterday’s workout left me feeling tired, drained, and extremely sore today (pulled a few muscles from my shoulders to my calves on my left side). I also ended up eating like crap last night and all day today (probably why I just had no energy or motivation today), so I decided that since my body needs to recover, I would use my rest day today instead of Friday and stack my 30 minutes of cardio for tomorrow with my ab circuit + 15 minutes of cardio that I was supposed to do today.

I’m really not happy about how badly I cheated and that I just let myself do it. And yes, I did use the dreaded “C” word. But that’s okay! I just have to push myself to stay on track and work harder tomorrow and for the rest of the next 25 days! I just have to remember that tomorrow’s a new day and I hope to do better and be stronger than I was today- that you can’t dwell on the past and you just have to look ahead to the future with a clear and positive mind!

Although I feel like I’m not where I should be or feeling proud of how I’m doing since I haven’t seen any change (obviously, results don’t happen overnight, but it’s hard to work hard and not see the reward you hoped for from it immediately, especially after only 2 days [c’mon Karmen, you know better] ), I need to keep myself motivated and need some extra pushes and support to keep going with tons of energy to finish out this first week strong and start week two with that same energy!!

**Note to self: Although you cheated and had a bad day (old habits are  NOT easy to break), KEEP GOING. DO NOT GIVE UP BECAUSE OF ONE BAD DAY.
•Just remember:
☆PROGRESSION NOT PERFECTION.☆
You have got this. I promise.

Just Frickin’ Do It

To start off this entry, here’s a letter of my WHY:

Dear Body,
I’d like to start by saying that I’m sorry. Sorry for treating you like crap for years. Sorry for not taking care of you like I should- not eating right and providing the nutrients you need to function properly and well, not exercising to help you become flexible and strong, and not getting enough sleep to provide me with the energy and alertness I need to focus and function. I’m sorry, Mind, that I have not filled you with confidence and optimism like I should; that I doubt you and your abilities to get me through each day. God created you to be a temple, and I have failed to take care of you. I have let you become something I am not proud of. A temple of beauty, love, positivity, and perseverance is not what I see when I look at a reflection of myself. I see a reflection of someone who isn’t proud, isn’t “up to par.” Someone who doesn’t want to get up in the morning- who doesn’t care enough about her appearance to look good and feel confident in herself so she hides in sweats and sweatshirts all the time. Someone who lacks the self-confidence in herself that she isn’t good enough, who could try harder but doesn’t have the energy, who can’t believe in herself enough to change. I’m am sorry for the neglect. But addressing the problem is only step one. I’m going to change for you, Body and Mind. I’m going to change for Me, too- I want to see myself again in the reflection and smile because it’s not some stranger hiding from herself. Step by step…step by step…slowly and surely…I will rebuild and protect my Temple. Until then, hang on. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Sincerely,
Me.

 

This journey isn’t going to be easy; it isn’t going to be perfect, either. But damn it, I’ve had enough. I’m ready for this change. I don’t ever post pictures like this but this is what I’m ready to change.

This isn’t the person I want to see. I am not proud of this. This is 40lbs from where I should be, and I let that happen. This is from 3 years of letting myself go and not caring about my body like I should (aka I GOT LAZY). Today is the day I decide to make a difference. I’m going to make a change. It’s not an easy change (change is crap, and it stinks), but without it, we can’t grow. All it takes is one day and one step at a time, and the only person who can make the change is ME, no one else. Results won’t happen overnight (even though I wish it were that easy), but I am ready- ready to start eating right and exercising like I should. Start loving and thinking positively of myself and hopefully improve my attitude towards others and myself, too. Be able to wake up feeling energized and ready for each day, not drained and unmotivated. I’m also going to try to post at least a blog or two a week to help keep me on track and accountable, so stay tuned.

“Take the bull by the horns”…and run with it!

2.23.16: A Full Heart

Today I had to drop off something to the police station, and while I was there, the sweetest elderly lady was there. She had just gone in for some help with something and she seemed to know she would take a while so she told the desk clerk to help me first. As we were trying to sort out a few things and finding information, I struck a conversation with the woman and she revealed to me that she struggles with her speaking (couldn’t seem to find words or say them, but was able to explain what she meant), and it makes it hard for her to communicate with others, especially if you didn’t understand what she was trying to do. She was really struggling to find a specific word on what she was there for as she was talking to me, and after a couple attempts to help her find the right word, I figured it out and she just lit up! She then started crying and my heart just broke for her when she told me she wished she had someone to help her in order to communicate with her family to get them to come see her as she had no way to reach them or speak to them. I gave her a hug and comforted her. As I finished up and was leaving, I wished her luck and told her to have a great rest of the day. I wasn’t expecting to do anything when I went to the station, and I really had no intentions of talking or sticking around as long as I did- just get in and get out. It was really humbling to see her reaction to such a simple gesture that ended up meaning the world to her. Something we all take for granted can be something another could be wishing for. Be kind to everyone you meet. Smile at someone. You just never know whose day you could make or how much something so simple could mean so much to another. Thank you to this woman for reminding me of the importance of kindness and compassion toward others. You made my heart feel extra full today.

Facing the Unknown

Love is a silly little word. To some, it means so much-others, nothing. If you look up the word “love” in a dictionary, you’ll find it has multiple meanings, all somewhat related. What they didn’t include was all of the emotions, thoughts, and actions for love. About love. To love. It’s like a cliff you’re about to jump from, and you have no idea what lies at the end of that jump; you know very well the risks but you do it anyway, whether it’s rock bottom or into a pair of open and wanting arms ready to catch you. Love is not a guaranteed and it is not certain. But what I am certain about is that love exists, and on so many physical and emotional levels. Jumping into the unknown is scary. But let me tell you, I know these for certain-

• Love is not forced. If you have to force something that isn’t coming naturally in order to a) not hurt that person or b) convince yourself, get out. Get out right now. Don’t waste your time dwelling on something that isn’t there. You are not only hurting yourself, but you are hurting someone else. Let yourself and let them be happy, too. Opportunity is out there. Don’t go looking. It’ll come in time. Learn to love yourself fully and completely and enjoy what the world has to offer before that special someone walks into your life. It’ll happen when you least expect it.

 

• Loving someone does not come easy. It’s fighting for that person everyday. It’s making sacrifices. It takes two to tango; if one person isn’t pulling their weight in effort, then it is not worth it. Don’t change yourself to be what they want you to be, but make the want to love those things and more and vice versa. It takes teamwork and cooperation to make a relationship work. There’s always going to be good days and bad days, but it’s how you face them as a team that will really test your true strength and dedication.

 

• Nothing is promised. It could be a lifetime. It could be a day. Things happen. People change. It’s all about how you handle the situations thrown at you. Life is so unfair, but you have to be able to thank God for every day you get with the one you love and never ever forget to remind them that they are loved and wanted by you. Anything can happen.

 

• Fights do occur. As crappy as they are, they are inevitable. It’s okay to let each other have their time and space to think. Don’t go to bed angry, and don’t let your significant other go to bed angry. Don’t instigate your S.O. Talk out the issues, agree to disagree if that is what needs to happen, and always, always, ALWAYS say you are sorry. The best way to move on is to apologize with full sincerity and take away something you learned or may need to change in order to avoid a fight about whatever it was you fought about again. You can grow from these, so don’t always think they’re a bad thing, but don’t be afraid to let go if there is to much demand to change yourself and your morals. Your happiness and self-confidence comes first!

 

• It’s okay to give each other space. Space. Is. Not. A. Bad. Thing. You both need time for yourselves and it’s okay to just take a break and go out by yourselves. Hang with the guys. Go have a girls’ night out. That is okay! Space can even be so much as sitting in the same room and doing your own things. You don’t need to spend every waking minute of your life together. It is so critical to establish trust between one another and being honest with one another if you want to have a strong relationship. They are the foundation of a relationship. One of the best feelings ever is when you come back together after a night out or just having some time to yourselves and realizing you still missed that person and that they are back for you. They came back, and that’s all that matters.

 

• It’s okay to not have a plan. Plans change. Have ideas of what you want in the future. It is so important that you talk to your partner about what they want in the future and morals and feelings they have on certain topics. It is critical to have good communication to know what the other wants and if it’s something that can be handled or not create argument later in the future. It’s okay to let the world take it’s course. For me, I’m still young and have a lot ahead in the future before I really want to dive into a marriage and kids. I want to settle down. Maybe not yet, but sooner rather than later. Yes, I get jealous when I see an acquaintance or friends getting engaged- I want that! Of course, I get jealous of all of the babies people are having… I WANT THAT TOO! I can’t have them. Not yet. I’m not ready and I know that what myself and my boyfriend need right now is to worry about ourselves and our own futures before we decide to settle down and make our future. It’s a hope for our future, but it’s not what we need or what we can handle right now at this point is our lives or our relationship and I’m okay with that.

 

• There is nothing better than being told, “You look sexy,” especially when you are still in your jammies, tired looking, still have bedhead, and haven’t showered in two days while trying to master the right ratio of chocolate chips to pancake mix to make chocolate chip pancakes. I find this to be incredibly true in longer relationships when the puppy love has worn off and life is in full swing. Little reminders like being told you’re beautiful today, or noticing you did something different with your hair go a long way. Those words ring in your head long after they were said and, especially when they are meant, boost your confidence in such a way that make you feel worth it to them and that they want you, despite the fact that there will always be girls prettier or skinnier than you. Thank them and appreciate that they know when you might need that reminder or just because they are adoring you.

 

• Living together is a HARD. If it were easy, well, I’m not sure what that would be like. Sure it gets easier, but it will always be hard. What’s mine is mine, but it’s yours, too. You have to learn to share- share space, share a bed, share the bathroom- it can literally be the most annoying thing ever some days. But believe me, it is totally worth it. You also learn a lot when you are living together. You learn how that person lives their daily routine, how they eat their food, good habits and disgusting habits. You also learn to get comfortable with them walking in on you talking a poo and not giving a flying hoot because they need something or just want to bug you. Boundaries are set, but some become unbounded. The best days are when you chase each other around the kitchen island like 8 year olds and laughing until your gut hurts or just cuddling on the couch and  enjoying each others company. Those are the precious moments together.

 

• Waking up next to the person you love every morning is like crack for the soul. There is literally nothing that compares to the feeling you get when you wake up next to the one you love oh-so dearly. You can’t help but admire how lucky you are to have someone who loves you laying next to you (all cute and vulnerable) and enjoying the closeness you share. When they wake up with crusty eyes and smell like bed and greet you with sour morning breath kisses (which are the best FYI), it’s just like sweet bliss throughout your body. There’s nothing better than snuggling up nest to them and you get a sense of safety and security being close to them. It honestly doesn’t compare to anything else.

 

• It’s okay to break traditions. Why stick to the status quo? That’s boring and typical. Switch it up if you’d like! Traditions are great, don’t get me wrong, but it’s always fun to make your own traditions as a couple. It’s bonding together and making something ordinary something special and giving meaning to it. My favorite is cuddling in bed and watching an episode of The Office (or whatever Netflix series we decide to make “our” show at the time) before we go to sleep most nights.

 

• Sex is important-but not THAT important. In all honesty, I believe sex is a super important aspect in a relationship. You are sharing your vulnerability to someone and them to you, and it’s about trusting someone to see passed your flaws and turn them into things you should love about yourself because they love them about you. You are sharing the love you share with that special person and that alone is a scary vulnerability to just put into someone else’s hands to keep safe and taken care of very delicately. But this is where “love” can get tossed around and sex can be something that is just used strictly for fun and self satisfaction, in which it loses all meaning, I think, or love can turn to lust, and then that’s where things can get messy physically and emotionally. Sex is a bond between a couple who share the same feelings for each other and are trying to fulfill the other’s need for affection on a personal level and should only be kept for each other and between each other. Make the other person feel wanted, confident, and sexy, and let your love shine through in your touch and words. Don’t be afraid to communicate what you like and don’t like so you can make it enjoyable for you both, and remember to be safe!

 

• It isn’t just about you anymore. This person has just walked into your life and has already made some big differences in your life and changes are underway. Now your decisions can affect, not only yourself, but your partner. In more long-term relationships, it starts becoming a question of how it will affect yourself, your partner, and your relationship. It becomes about bettering yourself and keeping your future in mind. Remember to do all things for love, but also don’t forget about your happiness coming first.

 

• Let your partner know you appreciate them. Make them feel like they have worth, because they do! It can be as simple as doing a quick favor for them or even just straight up telling them how much you appreciate them being in your life and for all they do for you and your relationship. It means a lot to hear it and is also a confident booster. It’s always nice to know that what you are doing isn’t going unnoticed or isn’t appreciated.

 

• If it’s worth it, make it worth it. A relationship should be taken seriously. Yes, I understand there are different types, but they should be treated with the utmost respect and taken as seriously as they are to be taken. If you are in a long-term, serious relationship, you cannot half-ass your effort. You need to be all in or all out and you need to understand sacrifices have to be made in the interest of both parties. As for a more casual relationship, same thing applies, only give the amount of effort you both agree to give and see where the relationship goes from there. Remember (again) that your happiness and well-being ultimately come first and if you are questioning or unsure of the relationship, talk to your partner and do whatever is in the best interest of yourself and you both.

 

• Respect each other. This is probably the most important thing to remember. Respecting each other and the ideas, morals, and boundaries you each have is so important in making a relationship work. You may disagree with how they think or what they believe, but if you can’t respect those things, then what’s the point in even going further? It’ll only cause problems in the future unless you can learn to put yourself in their shoes and listen to what they have to say about it. Respect is listening, and by listening, I mean really listening. Celebrate their successes and grieve in their lows with them. Support their decisions whether you agree or not, as long as they are happy and doing what they know and believe to be the best thing for themselves and their best interests, as hard as that may be right away. Without respect, you are only setting yourself up for no respect or appreciation in return.

 

• It’s the little things. I don’t mean gifts upon gifts all the time, or even ever, especially if that’s not your guys’ thing. I mean like doing the dishes before your partner gets home, or cooking a nice dinner. Maybe treating your S.O. to a night out for themselves, tabs on you. Drawing them a picture. Even just saying “I love you.” Little things like those go a long way and mean the world to the other person. They feel appreciated, respected, and happy that you even thought of them and decided to do something to go the extra mile to make it extra special and meaningful. They are worth it. There is also something about seeing them get excited or happy over something so simple!

There is still a lot unknown about love, but there is always something to be learned from it, good or bad. Love is scary but don’t be afraid to take that first step off of the cliff and let yourself fall- you never know what could be waiting for you at the bottom.

1.28.16

Today was a fairly good day. The high today was in the 30s and the sun finally came out this afternoon, so I couldn’t complain. Got to sleep in and it was another good morning getting to wake up to the person I love. Had some leftover pizza from last night (cold, of course!) for breakfast and the day seemed to be going fairly well.

The hiccup of the day was an argument over washing the wrong pair of pants, as it was a spur of the moment let’s-get-through-the-week couple of loads of laundry. Something so little caused a lot of ruckus and I felt under-appreciated for even getting a decent pair of jeans washed.

I let myself believe (in the midst of anger and frustration) that this was going to be it and there was going to be more small things that are just going to ruin a good day. As I sat and gave myself some space and time to think, I realized that there was no reason to let a pair of pants affect how the rest of my day was going. Only I could change how my day was going to go. I also realized that arguing over a stupid pair of pants was ridiculous and petty- definitely not worth the trouble we let it cause, and we were able to joke about it just an hour later.

I’m going to gloat a little bit now with this next story because this was probably my little victory of the day, and I am quite proud. In my US History class today, we had a discussion day. Discussion days, in summary, are basically like a mini trial. We have a book for the class that is called Taking Sides. In it are arguments about different things that historians are arguing today. Our topic in today’s “trial” was “Did the Chinese discover America first?” Now, I have to say, all groups that presented today performed well. By the end of class, the “jury” had seemed to have a pretty good idea as to what the verdict would be (no, duh!). My group was representing the “no” argument. Anyway, at the end of the presentations from the 4 groups (not counting the jury), we had to come up with ONE cross examination question for the opposing side. The question we presented was so good, the whole room just fell silent, and it was probably a good 10 seconds before some people in the jury went “OOOOHHHHHH!!” and the professor jumped in to interpret the question better. The “yes” side responded well to the question, but in the end the response was circular and the question was never answered. With that one question, it was pretty clear where most of the jury was sitting on the verdict, but we find out what it really is on Tuesday, so stay tuned.

Tonight consists of going out to eat with friends, share some good laughs, and a little R & R. Perfect end to a perfect day, and I get to end it with some of the ones who make life a little brighter. 🙂 Can’t wait to see what surprises life holds for tomorrow!

 

“I am going to make everything around me beautiful- and that will be my life.” ~Elsie de Wolfe

 

 

Finding the Gold

Blogging never really seemed like it would be something that I would ever find myself doing, but this year my goal is to try and find a positive thing in each and every day. I figure I might as well try and share this with you all (even though I’m 28 days late, hehe).

This year (so far) has not started out great. I’m the kind of person where if one little thing goes wrong, my entire day is ruined, and a chain of bad events just seem to follow like a domino effect. My goal is to better myself and see the world with clearer, more full and open eyes. It’s definitely not going to be easy, but I am up for the challenge.

I’ve learned that it’s easy to pass good things off, especially when your mind isn’t open and clear and you’re full of many distractions, even something as simple as a smile from a stranger or witnessing a couple so in love you can just see they don’t care about the rest of the world because they have each other for strength.

It’s easy to pass people off and it’s just as easy to judge a person based on one look or one act. You don’t know their story or their reasons. My goal is to see the potential in all people and to not be so quick to judge. Smile at everyone and be as nice as I can be, no matter my mood, and maybe, just maybe, I could make a person’s day even a little bit better. That in itself is enough to make me feel like I accomplished this daily goal.

The whole reason I started this blog was because of one little quote/bible verse, which got me thinking a little bit about my life lately, and I’ll end with it for you.

“Anyone can find the dirt in someone. Be the one that finds the gold.” ~Proverbs 11:27

This is my journey to finding the gold.